FSOM: The Hahnenkamm is the most prestigious ski race in the world – even if you are not an aficionado here is why it is must see

Quiz time.

Where will the biggest crowd at any sporting event on the planet be this weekend?

It won’t be at a Premier League match, or one in LaLiga. It won’t be at one of the NFL Conference play-offs.

It will be on a hillside in Austria where around 100,000 hardy souls in puffer jackets and insulated boots will watch 45 guys strap a pair of planks to their feet and chuck themselves down a mountain in the annual Hahnenkamm race in Kitzbuhel.

The Hahnenkamm is the most prestigious ski race in the world and as well as 100,000 Austrians who might otherwise be watching Sound of Music re-runs or slapping their thighs in Schuplattler dancing, it attracts A-list celebs from all over the world. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a regular, as you might expect, with the event almost taking place in his back garden, but so is George Clooney, a selection of Hollywood royalty and actual European royalty, and the filthy rich and famous who don their Armani and Allard ski outfits and gloss their lips until they glisten like patent leather.

Even if you are not a ski aficionado, the Hahnenkamm is worth a watch, especially if you revel in sporting sadism. Spills and falls are common and spectacular, as you might expect of an event where contestants reach speeds of 90mph-plus on slopes where water is sprayed on overnight to convert snow to the sort of pack ice penguins slide along on, and juice the slopes to convert the Streif (or ‘Stripe’) piste into the toughest test of skiing skill and courage. Or sanity.

Make no mistake, to be a top class downhill skier you have to be brave, or have tiny mice dancing around in your head. possibly a bit of both.

FSOM’s skiing escapades

Alas and alack, FSOM’s day of gracing the slopes of Europe have ended, thanks to the acquisition and fitting of a fine new metal hip, replacing the old one which didn’t pass its MOT, accompanied by a saw-bones strict instructions that any fall on said hip would pop it out of place and require another spell in the krankenhaus.

Back in the day FSOM was a pretty competent skier, able to pick his way down most slopes; gingerly when it came to the manageable black slopes, majestic and stylish when it came to blues which were as flat as a witch’s tit.

Known throughout Europe as – depending on the colour of ski jacket of choice that year – the Blue Flash, the Black Flash or in one ill-advised selection, the Yellow Flash (which from a distance made him look like the sort of stain foxes leave in the snow when they are scent-marking their territory) he perfected a particular style of of skiing.

In what his old mum might have described as all fur coat and no knickers, after gingerly negotiating the upper reaches of a slope, his run would invariably end at a mountain restaurant where a flashy skating style stop would impress the locals by producing a spray of snow perfectly timed to deposit a refreshing dollop of snow into the glass of Aperol Spritz of a snow bunny just as she was about to lift it to her glossy lips.

Make no mistake, skiing is a dangerous sport. FSOM’s daughter’s (The Princess) friend’s mother was recently cajoled into her first ski trip to celebrate her 60th birthday but it ended abruptly when she broke her femur two days in. The thigh bone is the strongest bone in the human body and it takes something drastic to break it. She spent two weeks in a French hospital before they even considered moving her to fly her home.

FSOM has had his share of tumbles, most of them embarrassing and involving spreadeagles and tangles of poles and skies or pratfalls which had the local Franzes, Friztes and frauleins hee-hawing into their gulaschsuppe. The most dramatic of these occurred not as FSOM was hurtling down a precipitous black slope, but on the stairs of a mountain restaurant in Bad Hofgastein. Carrying his well-earned lunch precariously on a tray, FSOM’s bulky ski-boots failed to provide the necessary traction and he slipped on the top step, and hit every one of the 13 in the flight, on the way down to the bottom.

Luckily, no serious damage was done and although beer was spilled, FSOM’s sausage and fries remained intact.

Skiing is great fun and millions of people do it safely every year. Brits head off to their week on the slopes (two if you are flush with money) after re-acquainting themselves with skiing techniques, only to be embarrassed on the slopes by local tots, brought up on skis while their nappies were being changed, and whizz by you with dummies in their mouths.

But the difference between recreational skiing and professional racing is the difference between crossing the High Street with the aid of a pelican crossing to attempting to traverse the M25 in rush hour.

Professional skiers have to know no fear as they stand at the top of the Hahnenkamm run, where within the first 200metres of the start, the slope of the Mausfalle (Mousetrap) falls away like the cliffs at Beachy Head and there’s no let up for the next couple of kilometres.

The men who stand in the starting gate at the Hahnenkamm, waiting for the ‘beeps’ to count them down, are brave to the extreme, matching NASCAR drivers, cliff high-divers in Acapulco and those who swim in Australian Northern Territory rivers with a pork sausage necklace and having dabbed Bisto behind their ears, for possessing that strange mix of bravery and madness.

Lindsey Vonn’s return to the slopes

While these men are undoubtedly brave there’s one skier who has re-defined bravery and if ever there was a poster girl for strong women in sport, Lindsey Vonn is it.

The American won the downhill gold in the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, as well as a bronze, and another Olympic bronze in Pyeongchang. She has four World Championship gold medals to her name and 84 first places in the season-long World Cup circuit.

At the age of 41, when most skiers are contemplating a roaring fire and warming gluhwein, she is coming out of retirement to compete in the upcoming Olympics in Cortina d’Ampezzo.

FSOM might have a shiny new hip, but this woman has had so many injuries, she is held together by enough screws and bits of metal to have airport security staff rushing from all directions when she walks through the x-ray machines.

Her injury list outscores the average Premier League team’s treatment room and she has almost single-handedly kept the orthopaedic and pysiotherapy practices of Aspen and the Rockies in business down the years.

She has undergone nine knee surgeries, to repair both ACL and MCL tears, she has suffered a broken ankle, a broken leg, a broken arm all of which sensibly led her to retire in 2019.

But like being confronted with a Wet Paint sign, she couldn’t leave it alone and In April 2024 she underwent a pioneering robot-assisted partial knee replacement and announced her intention to compete in the Olympics. So far, bits haven’t fallen off her, but watching her stand at the top of a run is like watching a horror movie through your hands, or from behind the sofa if you are a real scaredy-cat.

Its’s not as if she needs the money, There’s at least $14million in her building society account so she’s comfortably set up for life.

So what drives her on? There must be absolutely no fear in Vonn’s head. There can be no trace or sudden flash of thoughts of a previous crash that resulted in pain and months of recovery. In what bullfighters call ‘El momento de la verdad’ when they are faced with half a ton of beef with sharp horns charging at them, it is that split moment in time which will put a person’s true character and abilities to the test.

She can entertain no thoughts of possible danger or sustaining injury as it would take the edge of her speed, not something that can be contemplated in a sport where success is measured in thousandths of a second.

Ironically, although women do compete in the harum scarum downhill skiing category, they are not allowed to compete on the Hahnenkamm as it is considered too dangerous, something to which Lindsey Vonn would give the loudest of ‘Harumphs!’.

If she hasn’t got anything else doing on Saturday perhaps the woman who contains more metal than some scrapyards could side up to the original cyborg who will have his eyes glued on the Hahnenkamm and whisper; ‘I told you I’d be back’.