FSOM: US president Donald Trump is turning the 2026 World Cup into a political circus

FSOM is back from his Chrimbo break.

The object of the exercise was a flit across the Herring Pond to visit the Son and Heir (S&H), who resides in Boston (Massachusetts, as opposed to Lincolnshire).

Christmas was actually spent in Vermont,  where the S&H’s parents-in-law live and if you are remotely interested, yes it was perishingly cold, and yes, there was plenty of snow, quite an important consideration in a state which relies on the ski industry for its winter income, unless you work in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream factory.

The good news from the Land of the Free is that President Donald Trump is going to let the World Cup go ahead this summer.

(I have to be careful what I write here. Dom Joly has been banned from the States for saying bad things about Trump and if I am not careful, the S&H will be left waiting in vain at Logan airport with a sad look in his face while his old man is bundled back on the plane).

Trump is looking forward to the World Cup. After all, he never tires of telling anybody who will listen that he alone is personally responsible for bringing it to the US, along with the Olympics in two years’ time.

He might have some claim to that as the bidding process began in 2017 during Trump’s first term in office and that bidding competition served as the first Tinder date with his new bestie, FIFA president Gianni Infantino.

Let’s be honest, with its amazing stadia and infrastructure, why would the US not be a logical stage for the World Cup, even if it does have to share it with soon to be 51st state Canada, and Mexico?

But Trump’s World Cup comes with one or two issues. Firstly, everybody has to play nicely together and like a spoiled child’s birthday party, if you are not on the list, you might not get to play pass the parcel or musical chairs.

One of his mate Infantino’s early moves was to create the FIFA Peace Prize and award the first one to Trump. The platter-sized gong was solemnly draped around Trump’s neck before he decided on an incursion into Venezuela to kidnap their president, and unfortunately for FIFA and its Peace Prize, there are no backsies so he gets to keep it (thereby setting a trend of which we shall speak more of).

Trump is determined to make his mark and stick his stubby thumbprint all over the tournament and there are measures which could decide whether the World Cup will be FIFA’s or Trump’s – which could severely test the friendship and who gets to run the train set.

This birthday party list is only for good children who will play nicely together and a naughty child, or somebody Donald doesn’t like, can find a thick red crayon line drawn through their name on the invitation list.

These could include Iran and Haiti, for starters. Both have qualified for the finals but nationals of both countries are on the US naughty list as banned.

Although there are exceptions for athletes and special cases, Iran and Haiti are unlikely to have more supporters than can fit in a phone box at the tournament while Ivory Coast and Senegal are also on the banned list.

If the US decides to go after rogue before the tournament, other invitations will be sharply cancelled. Having developed a taste for sandbagging Latin American heads of state, the US could have Venezuela’s neighbour Colombia – who have qualified for the World Cup – in its cross-hairs

Trump described Colombia as ‘very sick’ and hinted Colombia president Gustavo Petro could be next on his list to have his evening’s television viewing rudely interrupted by Delta Force soldiers nicking the remote control.

The US host cities include Atlanta, Boston, Dallas, Houston, Kansas City, Los Angeles Miami, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Seattle, and New Jersey’s Met Life stadium which will host the final.

That host cities and their stadiums form part of the bidding process and seven years ago, their suitability would have been confirmed is irrelevant to Trump.

World Cups take a lot of organising and the status of a host city is as near as you can get to casting something in cement. But casting something in cement depends on the developer and what sort of cement he uses and Trump is already issuing dark threats.

Trump has said he will ‘move it around’ if he thinks any of the host cities are ‘unsafe’.

For unsafe, read Democrat-run cities that Trump sees as pushing back against his immigration policies and Chicago, Seattle, San Francisco and Boston are on that list, Trump having already crossed swords with Boston’s Democrat mayor Michelle Wu.

‘If we don’t think a city is safe, we’ll move it out of that city, even if I think it’s going to be a little bit dangerous,’ said the 79-year-old.

‘If somebody is doing a bad job and I feel there are unsafe conditions, I would call Gianni Infantino and I would say “let’s move it to another location” and he would do that’ said Trump.

One of the basic principals of sport and movements like FIFA and the Olympics is that sport and politics should not be mixed and it could be a test of Infantino’s cojones if Trump decides to use political leverage against cities who don’t toe the line. 

And we haven’t even started talking about ticket prices yet. 

The cheapest seats for the final will be $2,030 (£1,510) rising to $6,000 (£4,462) with FIFA announcing a dynamic pricing system so beloved of Oasis fans.

As England are playing in Boston, FSOM had a vague and hazy idea of combining his paternal duties to call on the S&H with an England game, but FSOM could probably buy half a tanker full of Venezuelan oil for less than an obstructed view ticket behind a hotdog stand.

But let’s not kid ourselves, Trump loves football and has done ever since he realised it could make him popular, this despite having not previously known what a football is if one hit him on the hooter.

Even to the extent that Trump suggested he could pass an executive order decreeing that soccer should be called football in the US, sharply realising that it’s played with the feet. 

In an announcement which will sit well with the NFL’s power base – not to mention his core support among gridiron devotees – Trump said: ‘It’s time the US stopped calling the sport soccer and get in line with everyone else watching football.

‘We never call soccer football because we have another conflict with a thing called football. And when you think about it, this is football, there is no question.

‘We have to come up with another name for the other one as it really doesn’t make sense when you think about it.’

Trump really has got the football bug, and is embracing it with the enthusiasm of a peckish anaconda wrapping itself around a capybara.

And why not? he’s been a winner at soccer. 

Well, at least he’s got trophies.

The Club World Cup trophy sits proudly on a shelf in the White House’s Oval Office. Clinking nicely on his chest alongside his FIFA Peace Prize is a winner’s medal from the World Club Cup. This is resulting from Chelsea’s win over PSG in the Met Life stadium, when his presence on the podium at the presentation was about as inconspicuous as a pork pie at a bar mitzvah.

And if I was Mauricio Pochettino I might be looking anxiously over my shoulder.

If team USA don’t win their opening games, look out for Trump changing his name to Donaldo and taking over the reins.

‘Nobody knows football, like I do, nobody know more about football than I do. I could do a bigly job in making football great again. Sleepy Joe Biden would never have done this.’

Anyway at least this week column will be saving FSOM money.

He won’t be needing to buy air fares to the US!!